All's Fair In Love And Chocolate

It is only the second day of the new year, and I've already broken my biggest resolution.

Only it wasn't ACTUALLY a resolution, because I was supposed to start it a couple of weeks ago, thus side-stepping all of the "New Year's Resolution" pressure and tenseness. Because I am smart that way. I declared to anyone who would listen (and many who would not) that I was going to start walking every day, because I was tired of my couch-potato lifestyle and wanted to be able to walk up my stairs without having to call an ambulance. Also, it would give me an excuse to buy new shoes, and I am all about those completely-essential-no-one-can-argue-that-I-really-have-no-option shoe shopping expeditions, as long as they do not involve children. So I was ready. (Except not, because I totally forgot to actually BUY the shoes, but I was fixin' to, people. Why are we talking about shoes anyway? This is not a post about shoes. Focus!)

Anyway, right before we left for Disney, I found out that I had a heel spur. Because, of course. But I walked anyway, because it was Disney and because I am totally not a wimp that would be deterred by such ridiculousness. And I made sure not to whine to the extent that my family abandoned me on the Tower of Terror, so really I was a rock. Right now, as I type this, I feel the waves of awe and admiration flowing over me across the internet. You are proud of me, aren't you? Is that a tear in your eye? I know. I amaze me, too.

So I walked on the heel spur and got used to it and was all "Heel spurs are nothing! I've had four c-sections! Hear me roar!" and then I came home from my vacation and twisted my right ankle. In my sleep. I do not know how I managed it, but I went to bed fine and woke up all gimpy. The entire inside of my ankle was blue and swollen, and seriously, I am ready to call in a private detective to figure out what in the world happened to me. I worried that maybe I kicked Ben in my sleep, but he has no corresponding bruising and no one will admit to beating me in a fit of rage against my lower extremities. Mysterious! And also insomnia-inducing. Does anyone want to volunteer to come to my house and watch over me while I sleep from now on? I'll make you some fudge!

So then my bruising went away and I could wear my shoes again without whimpering (The old ones. No new shoes yet. Why do you keep getting side-tracked like this?) and then....AND THEN....today I stepped on a block. A very sharp, pointy block, and there was bleediness and excess blueness and WHY DO WE ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO PLAY WITH SUCH DANGEROUS OBJECTS? Have we, as a society, learned nothing from years and years of block-related foot injuries? I tell you, those democrats have it all wrong. It does not take a village to raise a child.

It takes a maid.

So now, here it is, January 2nd, and I haven't gone walking once since our Disney trip. And then it was not so much for fitness as it was for a love of Mickey Mouse, and all of the Christmas candy that I injested since then cancelled out all that walking anyway. I think that maybe God is trying to tell me something. I had a fleeting impression that maybe it had something to do with perseverance, but now I know what He was really saying. "Gwendolyn!" He was saying. "I made you clumsy! It is how you were created! Do not attempt all this fitness nonsense. Lo, if you continue in these crazy ideas, surely you will be involved in some freak falling down thing, and no one will rise up and call you blessed because they will be too busy laughing at you!" Clearly, that is His message to me this new year. And do not try to convince me otherwise, because I have the boo-boos to prove it.

So, having said all that, I do have two New Years Resolutions to make for 2009. The first one is to try and remain mostly unbattered and unbroken for the majority of the time. I think it would also be wise to sleep with one eye open. Just in case none of you take me up on my fudge offer. And my second resolution is to remember to buy myself a new pair of shoes. Just to make you feel better, of course.

Because once you people get something in your heads, you just WILL NOT let it go.