Friday, January 2, 2009

It is only the second day of the new year, and I've already broken my biggest resolution.

Only it wasn't ACTUALLY a resolution, because I was supposed to start it a couple of weeks ago, thus side-stepping all of the "New Year's Resolution" pressure and tenseness. Because I am smart that way. I declared to anyone who would listen (and many who would not) that I was going to start walking every day, because I was tired of my couch-potato lifestyle and wanted to be able to walk up my stairs without having to call an ambulance. Also, it would give me an excuse to buy new shoes, and I am all about those completely-essential-no-one-can-argue-that-I-really-have-no-option shoe shopping expeditions, as long as they do not involve children. So I was ready. (Except not, because I totally forgot to actually BUY the shoes, but I was fixin' to, people. Why are we talking about shoes anyway? This is not a post about shoes. Focus!)

Anyway, right before we left for Disney, I found out that I had a heel spur. Because, of course. But I walked anyway, because it was Disney and because I am totally not a wimp that would be deterred by such ridiculousness. And I made sure not to whine to the extent that my family abandoned me on the Tower of Terror, so really I was a rock. Right now, as I type this, I feel the waves of awe and admiration flowing over me across the internet. You are proud of me, aren't you? Is that a tear in your eye? I know. I amaze me, too.

So I walked on the heel spur and got used to it and was all "Heel spurs are nothing! I've had four c-sections! Hear me roar!" and then I came home from my vacation and twisted my right ankle. In my sleep. I do not know how I managed it, but I went to bed fine and woke up all gimpy. The entire inside of my ankle was blue and swollen, and seriously, I am ready to call in a private detective to figure out what in the world happened to me. I worried that maybe I kicked Ben in my sleep, but he has no corresponding bruising and no one will admit to beating me in a fit of rage against my lower extremities. Mysterious! And also insomnia-inducing. Does anyone want to volunteer to come to my house and watch over me while I sleep from now on? I'll make you some fudge!

So then my bruising went away and I could wear my shoes again without whimpering (The old ones. No new shoes yet. Why do you keep getting side-tracked like this?) and then....AND THEN....today I stepped on a block. A very sharp, pointy block, and there was bleediness and excess blueness and WHY DO WE ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO PLAY WITH SUCH DANGEROUS OBJECTS? Have we, as a society, learned nothing from years and years of block-related foot injuries? I tell you, those democrats have it all wrong. It does not take a village to raise a child.

It takes a maid.

So now, here it is, January 2nd, and I haven't gone walking once since our Disney trip. And then it was not so much for fitness as it was for a love of Mickey Mouse, and all of the Christmas candy that I injested since then cancelled out all that walking anyway. I think that maybe God is trying to tell me something. I had a fleeting impression that maybe it had something to do with perseverance, but now I know what He was really saying. "Gwendolyn!" He was saying. "I made you clumsy! It is how you were created! Do not attempt all this fitness nonsense. Lo, if you continue in these crazy ideas, surely you will be involved in some freak falling down thing, and no one will rise up and call you blessed because they will be too busy laughing at you!" Clearly, that is His message to me this new year. And do not try to convince me otherwise, because I have the boo-boos to prove it.

So, having said all that, I do have two New Years Resolutions to make for 2009. The first one is to try and remain mostly unbattered and unbroken for the majority of the time. I think it would also be wise to sleep with one eye open. Just in case none of you take me up on my fudge offer. And my second resolution is to remember to buy myself a new pair of shoes. Just to make you feel better, of course.

Because once you people get something in your heads, you just WILL NOT let it go.



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26 comments:

Anne Elizabeth said...

This post was a crack up!

Heather of the EO said...

You're hilarious. I recently awoke with a foot problem too. I tried to believe it had nothing to do with aging. I tried.

You had FOUR c-sections? KU-DOS. I've had two and don't know if I'd make it through another. Although I do kind of want a girl, so we'll see....ack! What am I thinking? THAT is not a current resolution!

Jenny said...

Oh, my gosh - I so LOVE the way you put words together ... seriously - I'm in stitches! You've perked my spirit right up and darn you ... it's 3:30 a.m.! Gee wiz ... I guess that I'm just going to have to read through the rest of your crazy, witty little ol' spot here to make sure that I haven't missed a thing!

Happy New Year, Dear Gal!

Edie said...

LOL! I'm so sorry about all your little mishaps but you're writing cracks me up! I'll be glad to watch you sleep for fudge. Will you put nuts in it please? :)

Back in August I woke up one morning and my arm was hurting for some unknown reason. Within two days it was hurting so bad I had to wear a sling. I thought I had somehow pulled or strained a muscle. I have not idea what I was doing in my sleep to hurt me like that but... It seemed to get better after a few days, but to this day I can't reach behind me like I used to be able to without pain in my arm. So I would love to catch that *sleeper bashing maniac*. lol. :)

Hey - I think the girl in your sidebar is hungry. I'm not surprised after dancing at high speed for almost a full month. LOL!

Karen said...

snort.

I love it that God made you clumsy. Just like He made me blonde. I like the new year's resolution about shoes. I think resolutions would be much more fun if they were about things we really wanted to do rather than the things we should do. I mean, that's why we grew up, right? So we could do everything we wanted, without anyone telling us what we should do? (I'm not sure who's "grown up" house I think I've been living in, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.)

anyway, three cheers to clumsiness. I hope your feet survive. (besides, doesn't hobbling and limping use up more calories than regular walking? I'm pretty sure you've been getting a great workout just from that. Go have some candy.)

Dena said...

We must be twins separated at birth, because I am as clumsy as they come. Stepping on a barbie shoe could put me in traction for a week!

Go get those new shoes already so I can move on to obsessing about something else. :)

Robin Lambright said...

Hey There! I found you blog from a link @ 2nd Cup of Coffee.

It gave me a nice giggle,

It does not take a village to raise a child.

It takes a maid.

Best line I've read all week. Too Funny!

Really enjoyed this post (really really)

Blessings
Robin

Jenn said...

My goodness you are hilarious! I am sorry about all the boo-boos, but it made for good blog fodder! Thanks for the good laugh!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

You made me laugh. And yes, it does take a maid. Good one.

Jerralea said...

Once again, you've cracked me up. My favorite line is when you tell the democrats it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a maid. Priceless!

Now about those shoes ... what color are you getting and when??? You know I'm not going to let it go ...

Manda said...

My poor, dear sister. I guess clumsiness runs in the family. My Wii even told me I was clumsy...and then proceeded to ask me if I trip when I walk.

Not to mention that I actually fell off of the Wii balance board.....

But know that you are not alone in the clumsiness department. I'm right there with you. :)

Jennifer said...

Hey, I'm always up for a shopping trip, name the day and the place! I hope the "bandit" that is apparently on the lamb going around twisting arms and ankles of YOUNG women in their sleep is caught soon. Because I can't miss a day of "work" around here, I"m out of sick days and have been for 8 years, haha!

Great post!

Kim in MI said...

Oooh let me know if you find nice lime green walking shoes. Or are you free to buy any kind of shoes, now that the walking gig is bust?

I never realized how fortunate I am to be walking.

Not that I haven't also punctured myself with Lego. It is a badge of motherhood.

Boy Mom said...

I am just oozing with pride! I'm also giggling. Thanks I really needed a good giggle today.

Linda said...

You are funny! I hear you on the walking thing. Happy New Year!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

So when I fell off my treadmill and twisted my knee a few months back, I took it as a DEFINITE sign from God that I was to abandon all form of physical exercise. It just makes sense, right? :)

Happy New Year!

Beverly said...

so, did you get the shoes?

Mina said...

Here's to less walking and more shoes!

Beverlydru said...

I got much-needed new Nikes for Christmas and am happy to report I finally got back to walking today. I love your resolutions.

Loved the Agape way said...

AMAZING post, but seriously-- how many energy drinks did you have before you wrote it??

If you have a heal spur, won't walking on it cause much more pain? I wouldn't want you to break resolution number 1....


:) Rose

Becoming Me said...

Oh bless your heart---and your sore ankle. I sprained my ankle a month ago and it still hurts

Greg C said...

I have walked every day since Christmas so you better get going if you are going to catch up. Come on whimp. Did that work?

MyKidsMom said...

I only wish I could come up with so many plausible reasons for not walking/exercising,lol.

My Wii fit also asked me if I tripped when I walked; I was NOT at all humored by that.

Carrie said...

haha you crack me up! I needed a good laugh - thanks!

By the way, I have noticed that you have been following my blog so I wanted to let you know that I have changed the blog address. You might have to update your following links?? Here is the link
Blessed Chaos

Linda said...

Cute background!

aswewalk said...

"I tell you, those democrats have it all wrong. It does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a maid."

Bwaaaahhhh!!! That is too fresh!