My youngest son has always called his...um...private parts... by an interesting name. As soon as he could talk, he referred to it as his "pirate", because he could not say "private" and we are SO not politically correct enough to teach him what it is actually called. Actually, this has saved us from numerous embarassing situations, such as when he was two and we were in the grocery store, and he went on a long tangent about how his pirate was itchy and had a rash, and the other shoppers just thought that he was discussing an unfortunate imaginary friend.
Anyway, the reason that I am telling you this is that a couple of days ago Ben ran over Owen's stuffed Superman doll with the lawnmower. (Don't look at me like that. It will make sense in a minute.) He didn't mean to run over it, but the children had left it in the yard and he didn't see it until it was too late. Owen, far from being traumatized, was fascinated by the carnage. He ran around for ages yesterday afternoon searching for the amputated body parts, calling out joyfully "Look, Mama! Here's his head! And his feet are all the way over by the mailbox!" I just nodded at the appropriate moments, not really paying attention because one of our cats was trying to climb up on top of my head, when he called out for all to hear, "MAMA! LOOK AT THIS LITTLE PIECE I JUST FOUND! IT MUST BE HIS PIRATE!"
My neighbor looked up from his yard work. Our eyes met, and I laughed a shrill, embarassed laugh. "Yes, Owen!" I called, "His pirate! Superman's little pirate buddy! How wonderful that you found him!" And then I called him in quickly before he could finish insisting "No, Mama! I mean it's his PIRATE, like on his BODY....." and I shut the door as fast as I could. I may have even burried my head in my hands and mumbled "Oh my word I am SO EMBARASSED!", but I can't be positive.
Why did no one warn me that parenthood was so fraught with mortification? If I had known, I would at least have practiced blushing.
(Tyler, Texas) — This morning, Fox News Opinion published my latest op-ed on how to defeat the Islamic State and protect the American people and our allies...
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