Nature's campaign against me continues.
This morning while I (say it with me, people) was waiting on the porch for my daycare kids, I was once again attacked by a flying creature. Seriously, from now on I am waiting inside. The outside is dead to me. I mean it this time.
There I was, standing in my bare feet and wondering how exactly I had forgotten to eat breakfast, because honestly y'all, I don't forget to eat. Eating ranks right up there on my list of favorite things to do, right under reading but slightly above watching HGTV. So I was mystified by this, and apparently I had my mouth open in wonderment or some other such appropriate emotion, when an insect flew RIGHT IN MY MOUTH. I started choking and sputtering, and tears were streaming down my face either in desperation because I was choking on a bug or horror that I was choking on a bug, I can't be sure which.
This, of course, is when my daycare family rounded the corner and proceeded up the path to my door. They were greeted by my tear-stained face and frantic coughing fit, and I'm surprised that the mother didn't take her children and run because by all appearances I was dying. Would you leave your children with a dying woman? I am not entirely sure about her maternal instinct right about now. And then, internet...and THEN, when I calmed down enough to explain my plight to the woman, do you think that she offered me any sympathy whatsoever? Do you think that she gave me her shoulder to cry on while I regained my composure and accepted the fact that I had just EATEN AN INSECT FOR BREAKFAST??? No. Do you know what she did?
She laughed at me.
And not just a little laugh, either. She was doubled over on my front porch, in complete hysteria. I am grievously offended.
This is the woman that showed up at my house the other day in her bare feet because she had left her house and driven all the way to mine, and did not notice until she got out of the car that she wasn't wearing any shoes. It was raining, people. How in the world did she not notice that she was shoeless while she was loading up two toddlers into her car, much less while she was driving? And did I laugh at her? Well, yes, but only after she left. The point is, I was nice and did not tell her that I thought that she was kind of dingy, and only laughed behind her back when I called my sister-in-law to tell her about it. Why could she not give me that same dignity? I fear I am scarred for life.
But as for the insects of the world, I'm never trusting them again. If, in the future, I do venture outside my front door, I will keep my mouth firmly closed. I will not even TALK outside again, and I may not even breath. Which I guess will limit my outside time somewhat anyway. But at least I will be safe from suicidal bugs.
Honestly, I was not THAT hungry.
(Tyler, Texas) — This morning, Fox News Opinion published my latest op-ed on how to defeat the Islamic State and protect the American people and our allies...
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